Firstly, Laura Stephenson was nice enough to critique the first 400 words of The Rogue King over at her blog From the Desk of Laura Stephenson.
So we’re on Day 3.
Versions … uh … 5, 6, 7 and 8. (Again, for previous versions, scroll down)
H’okay then! Yesterday, I was given three suggestions for possible ways to go. So, naturally, I had a crack at them all and then tried to smash’em together. Because I’m like that. Since I can’t decide which I like better, here’s all four.
Veng has no chance of a normal life. He is subject to possession by Lorric, the God of Lust. If he leaves the desert, he’ll be slain. His DNA has been manipulated by aliens into something that shouldn’t exist. None of it stops him from harbouring a secret wish for love and family.
His unhappy life explodes when Lasil comes into his life. Forced to protect the young woman from the claws of men who would abuse her, he ends up falling in love. This leads to the stealing of his soul and the kidnapping of his beloved.
Lorric, in retaliation for losing Veng, plans to torture Lasil into accepting priestesshood. To save her, Veng will need to cross a land where the people desire his death. But if he’s to get to her in time, he must accept a royal heritage he doesn’t want and find a way into Hell or his chance at happiness will die before Lorric’s will.
Nothing in life comes easy for Veng. He’s unnatural, a product of genetic manipulation and, like all Rogues, endures the occasional possession by an evil god named Lorric along with a lifetime on the run from those who would kill him. But none of that can stop him from wishing for a normal life. So when Veng winds up protecting Lasil, a young woman from his past, it isn’t long before he falls in love.
But there are few happy endings for Rogues, least of all for their king.
Lorric isn’t pleased with losing Veng’s soul, and exacts revenge by kidnapping Lasil. Unless Veng can accept his true nature, cross an entire country of people who want nothing more than to see him dead, and face down a god hell-bent on destroying him, Veng will lose everything he’s ever loved.
Veng led a sheltered life as a young man, fed on fairytales and believing they could happen. All that changes when he is possessed by Lorric, the God of Lust, and is forced to adapt to a world where no one cares if you live or die.
Crowned king of the feared Rogues, Veng’s belief in love is all that’s left of the once innocent boy. Until he meets Lasil. She rekindles his old ideals and makes him see that good things can happen in his life after all.
But Lorric is not content to let Veng settle into family life and has Lasil kidnapped. Now Veng must find where the god is hiding his beloved and free her or risk losing everything.
Nothing in life comes easy for Veng. He is subject to possession by Lorric, the God of Lust. If he leaves the desert, he’ll be slain. His DNA has been manipulated by aliens into something that shouldn’t exist. None of it stops him from harbouring a secret wish for a normal life.
So when Veng ends up shielding Lasil, a young woman from his past, from men who would abuse her, it isn’t long before he falls in love. But Lorric, displeased with losing Veng’s soul, is not content to let family life take Veng from him. He has Lasil kidnapped and plans to torture Lasil into accepting priestesshood.
To save her, Veng will need to cross a land where the people desire his death. If he’s to get to her in time, he must accept a royal heritage he doesn’t want, find a way into Hell and face down a god bent on destroying him. If he fails, he will lose everything he’s ever loved.
Aldrea Alien 
I like version #7 best. (For me it was the easist to follow.) This sounds really interesting!
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I think all of these are big improvements, but I think #7 and #8 work best!
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Okay. That's one for #7.
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So that's two for #7 and one for #8. Do I smell a trend? ^_^
I'm fond of #8 myself, but I'm always bias to the last version I write.
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I hate to disagree with the others, but I like #6. I feel like it reads most smoothly.
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Gotta be different, huh? ^_~
Two for #7 and one each for both #6 & #8. The waters, they be getting muddier.
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I'm somewhere in the middle! I really like 7, but I like the closing paragraph of 6. Overall, these read very well!
-Minion Mara
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I'm a fan of #6! I think it has enough detail to get your story across and is the smoothest read. The only suggestion I have is to let us know that falling in love with her resulted in the loss of his soul. Otherwise, it sounds great! Good luck!
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I like version #6:)
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So the last paragraph of #6 on the end of #7. That's very specific. Thanks. ^_^
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Yes, I can see where that would need to be explained there.
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That makes it a draw between #6 & #7.
I'll have to see if I can put them together into a decent Version 9.
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I like version #7!
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Hmm, would you still like it if I swapped out the last paragraph with the one in #6?
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Sometimes I feel like “Here we go round the mulberry bush…” ha!
Maybe a mash up of 6 and 7??
My revise is up for critique if you want to look…
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Heh. “Two steps forward, one step back” also comes to mind.
I'm looking into combining the two. Just got to get the right balance. Then I'll be cruising through everyone else's queries again. ^_^
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